Hooh boy. Below is an actual “press release” that just came over the transom from a lawyer licensed in California. We’re going to do it Point/Counterpoint style with the actual press release from the “DUI lawyer” followed by the reply from a non-“DUI lawyer.”
Easy peasey. But first, a photo caption:
The poor victims of California’s draconian DUI laws, horrible laws enforced by unreliable cops using unreliable breathalyzers. Oops, nobody wanted to pose for a photo bearing that caption, so let’s make do with a shot from the wrecked Volvo of the victims of a boozed-up driver:
“California DUI Lawyer Explains What to do if You’re Stopped for a DUI”
LONG BEACH, Calif., July 29 /PRNewswire/ — Nationally-known California DUI attorney [Redacted] , author of [Redacted], offers this advice:
“What should I do if I’m stopped for suspicion of DUI?”
[Think to yourself, “Man, what’s gone wrong today such that I’m now in this predicament? Maybe it has something to do with all that effing alcohol I just drank? Or maybe it was the Vicodin. What changes can I make in my life?]
First, don’t flunk the “attitude test”: Be pleasant and cooperative with the officer. But that doesn’t mean to do everything you’re asked.
[No arguments here.]
For example, you’re not required by law to take the DUI field sobriety tests, and frankly I’d advise you to decline them.
[Frankly, take the Field Sobriety Test, if you want.]
In [Redacted – basically a list of some of the counties where said “DUI lawyer” has an office] and other parts of California, you may be asked to take a DUI handheld breath test during the DUI investigation; again, you’re not required by California law to take it and you should politely decline.
[WTF? Didn’t he just say that in the preceding sentence? Again, take the Field Sobriety Test, if you want.]
“Should I answer the officer’s questions?”
[It depends – are you drunk or not?]
Decline to answer potentially incriminating questions, such as “How much have you had to drink?”
[Don’t say “a couple beers”! Everybody always says, “a couple beers”!]
or “How do you feel?”
[Don’t say, “Drunk”!]
Remember: whatever you say that can hurt you will be put in the officer’s DUI report – and whatever will help you will be left out. A good answer is, “I would prefer not to answer any more questions until I can see an attorney.”
[Try to not to slur your speech when you say this.]
“Should I take a breath or blood test?”
[Both. Why not Bring It On!]
If you’re offered a test after you’re arrested for DUI, you should probably take it.
If you refuse, the possible license suspension and jail time will be longer and a refusal can be used in evidence as an implied admission of intoxication.
[Bingo. Now we’re on the trolley.]
The blood test is potentially more accurate than the generally unreliable breathalyzer
[“Unreliable”? Wouldn’t you want your DUI level determined by an unreliable method if you’re drunk, as most people prosecuted for drunk driving actually were?]
so if you’re confident that your blood-alcohol level is under .08%, take it.
[This is advice? If you know you’re going to pass the blood test, you should take it? But what if you are actually too drunk to drive under the law, the position most people find themselves in after failing or refusing to fail the Field Sobriety Test? There’s no pithy advice for actual drunk people, apparently.]
“How serious are the consequences of a California DUI conviction?”
[Pretty much the same whether you hire a “DUI Lawyer” or not, if you’re a first timer with a typical case. F. Lee Bailey famously avoided conviction when he got caught in San Francisco’s Hayes Valley back in 1982. More about him later.]
Initially, the possible legal consequences of a DUI conviction depend upon many factors, such as the blood-alcohol level, any prior DUI record, presence of children in the car, etc. Penalties include jail, fines, license suspension, DUI schools, probation and possibly more. But the indirect damage can be considerable: including a criminal record, increased car insurance, employment problems, professional licensing issues, security clearance — even possible consequences in divorce or child custody cases.
[Yep. What’s this, a commercial for lawyers?]
“What is the most important thing for me to know if I’m arrested for DUI in California?”
[Yes, it is a commercial for lawyers. Here comes the hard sell.]
DUI is the most difficult crime for an attorney to defend correctly,
due to the complex criminal DUI laws
and scientific blood-alcohol issues, as well as separate California DMV administrative hearings.
[Difficult? The hearings they have on the second floor of the DMV where the drunk driver’s chance to speak lasts a number of seconds or minutes? Srsly? Hahahahahahhahahah! Oooooh… a hearing at the blessed DMV where you’re going to lose your license to drive for a while, whether you like it or not! So “complex” a path for your attorney to navigate as he cashes in on your drinking problem.]
Recognize that it’s usually the unreliable breath machine that largely determines guilt or innocence.
[Recognize that it’s the usually reliable breath machine that largely determines whether you are guilty of DUI.]
It’s crucial that you retain a California DUI attorney with at least 10 years experience,
[Gee, he means maybe himself, maybe, just maybe? Hahahahahahhahahah!]
preferably a lawyer who specializes in DUI defense exclusively in Los Angeles, Orange County or wherever you were arrested.
[If you look at it along these lines, this attorney has somebody available to represent about half of the state of California. What a specialist!]
For more information about California DUI laws and DUI lawyers, visit [Redacted]
About the Law Offices of [Redacted]
Known nationally as “The Dean of DUI Attorneys,…”
[The “Dean”! Hahahahahahhahahah!]
Thus ends our trip to press release lawyer land.
Now, about F Lee Bailey. The way he got off was to hire Robert Shapiro(!), who went after the arresting officer, Peter Canaan. Remember all that stuff about Ron Fuhrman back in the O.J. Simpson case? There’s your “aggressive defense” defense strategery:
“In 1982, he attracted national attention again when he beat a drunk driving charge with LEGAL REPRESENTATION from his friend, ROBERT L. SHAPIRO. Bailey complained that the police had picked on him because he was famous. Soon he was campaigning publicly against what he saw as police harassment, warning, “The cops have decided to set some fierce public examples of their new hard line, probably to scare drivers into going easy on the booze.” He promptly wrote a legal SELF-HELP book titled How to Protect Yourself against Cops in California and Other Strange Places, purporting to be a guide to avoiding unfair drunk driving convictions.”
So, O.J. Simpson didn’t kill his ex-wife and Ron Goldman (a guy who just happened to be seen around town driving the crappy white Ferrari Mondial that OJ’s money paid for), because of the N-word and you’re not a drunk driver because you paid thousands of dollars for a “DUI attorney”? O.K. fine.
Let’s review the state of affairs:
99%+ of trips made by drunk drivers in California never result in a traffic stop, arrest, conviction or anything of that sort and;
California has one of the most lenient standards for how impaired you can be compared with the rest of the world, and;
A thousand-something non-drunk driving Californians die each year due to drunk drivers.
That’s the state of affairs. If you want to pay an attorney to commiserate with you after the DMV pulls your license, well then have at it.
And also, what does this mean, California Lawyer Magazine?
“DUI defense is the specialty people love to hate—but dare not drive without.”
So let’s see here, got my keys, my cell phone, OMG, where’s my DUI defense? I never dare to drive without it! WTF, CLM. Also, try finishing this sentence:
All right, if you say so.
That is all.