“Dear Lindsay Lohan,
“I owe you an apology. Not for prosecuting you for allegedly taking a $2,500 necklace that wasn’t yours – I know, I know, you think the entire universe is a swag display case – or for those previous drunk-driving arrests. I hope there are no hard feelings; I gotta do what I gotta do, though I do appreciate your showing up for your day in court in that white dress last week. Wow.
“What I must apologize for is the fact that you’re being compared to me these days. You may deserve a bad rap, along with your growing rap sheet, but such comparisons between your troubles as a famous actress and pop singer and mine – as a 162-year-old state – are malicious, and terribly unfair.
“Last year, the Wall Street Journal, in describing my well-known maladies, called California “the Lindsay Lohan of states.” The newspaper explained that you and I are each like “the prima donna who once showed some talent but is now too wasted to do anything with it.” Unfortunately for you, this metaphor caught fire on the Internet and spread to media outlets, from the Atlantic Monthly to your hometown Los Angeles Times.