You already how to interpret fortune cookies, you know, those cookies that aren’t really cookies, you know, the ones invented by that Japanese guy, right? You simply add the phrase “except in bed” at the end.
Try it out. It works, see?
Now, with the SFPD, you need to add a different phrase – it’s “in an ideal world.” Let’s take it for a spin, below.
Sometimes the SFPD will actually take away your beer and pour it out, thusly:
But Drunk Beyonce would have no reason to fear the SFPD on NYE:
All right, here we go. Be sure to change “will” to “would” as well. So this:
“Anyone who is drunk, or who operates a motor vehicle while intoxicated, will be arrested.”
Goes to this:
“Anyone who is drunk, or who operates a motor vehicle while intoxicated, would be arrested, in an ideal world.“
See how that works?
I mean, the vast majority of times a drunk driver gets behind the wheel of a car for a trip in the 415, the driver doesn’t get arrested, right? I’d say 99% of the time, actually. So why would that change all of a sudden on NYE? [F. Lee Bailey reference from 1982 omitted as he's still(!) alive - did not know that.]
The in-an-ideal-world approach kind of breaks down towards the end of this bit. (And in fact, the SFPD would love to bust you firing an automatic weapon straight up into the air on NYE.) But otherwise, it works pretty good:
“San Francisco Police Department Policy on New Year’s Eve Alcohol Consumption
During New Year’s Eve and the hours following, the San Francisco Police Department will strictly enforce the provisions of Section 21 of the Municipal Police Code for the public consumption of alcohol. Containers of alcohol and fireworks will be confiscated. Anyone who is drunk, or who operates a motor vehicle while intoxicated, will be arrested.
There will be a significant police presence, and the San Francisco Police Department will be enforcing zero-tolerance policy regarding public drinking and any other criminal activity. Discharging firearms to celebrate is both unlawful and dangerous as bullets fired into the air could strike someone upon return to the ground.
There are no planned street closures.”