Posts Tagged ‘platform’

Cruel Shoes: If Ronald McDonald Wore High Heels

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

Or are these platform heels? (One supposes that’s a subcategory of high heel, but one doesn’t know for sure)

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Kings Things:

- The #1 occupation for those with a foot fetish is … shoe salesman, just saying.

- I talked with a shoe salesman in Union Square one time. He side his “primary job” as a salesperson was to determine if the customer wanted to buy some new kicks TODAY. “Women will go shoe shopping to kill time, while waiting for a bus.” OTOH, if you told him that you were a serious shopper, he’d “have all the time in the world for you.” That’s life on commish, I s’pose.  

Vaunted “Box-Spring” Revealed to be the Scam That It Is

Thursday, June 18th, 2015

I’ve always wondered this, I’ve wondered of what use is a box spring.

People tell me, “It’s to support the mattress.” And I think, oh, the way the floor would?

Now for all I know, this Wiki entry has been hijacked by the North Carolina Box Spring Institute, but here we go:

The purpose of the box-spring is threefold:

  • to raise the mattress’ height, making it easier to get in and out of bed; [OH, OK, SO IT’S A BED HEIGHTENER – CHECK]
  • to absorb shock and reduce wear to the mattress; [THIS SOUNDS LIKE BS TO ME. HOW DOES THE MATTRESS KNOW THAT IT’S NOT SIMPLY ON THE FLOOR? DOES THE MATTRESS SAY TO ITSELF, ”
    OH, I’M NOT ON THE FLOOR SO I’LL CONSCIOUSLY MAKE THE EFFORT TO WEAR OUT SLOWER] and
  • to create a flat and firm structure for the mattress to lie upon. [OH, THE THE WAY THE FLOOR WOULD?]

Another dissatisfied customer, earlier taken in by the ongoing boxspring scam:

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Here we go, revised propaganda from this century:

  • You can put the mattress on the floor. This actually gives the mattress proper support, but it doesn’t look as nice, is more difficult to get in and out of bed, and isn’t as sanitary since you’re right on the floor.

Oh that’s right, sometimes the Norway rats make it past the encircling ring of traps around my bed and then spend the night sleeping on my face. Come to think of it, that’s not sanitary at all!

So that’s the answer – a boxspring is an overwrought platform to enheighten your mattress.

But I don’t see how a mattress platform could possibly “wear out.” And I don’t see why people pay thousands of dollars for them.

END OF LINE.

Late Night MUNI Metro Meltdown Street Party on Market

Tuesday, December 4th, 2012

Squeeze together – more partiers are on their way:

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A: MUNI you suck.

B: Give us more money. MONEY MONEY MONEY!

A: Yeah, I don’t think so. Why don’t you do more with the money you have?

B: Ooh that sounds hard. But anyway, give us more money. MONEY MONEY MONEY!

Fashion Update: Cruel Shoes at 7:00 AM – Travis Bickle, Apple, Chrome Bags, Diadora, and Cruel, Cruel Platform Pumps

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

All your favorite brands of 2012 are here!

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Fashion Update: Cruel Shoes – Tottering Through Union Square on Wooden Platforms

Wednesday, September 21st, 2011

The next best thing to foot binding?*

I mean, how can you roundhouse the typical Union Square/Twitterloin mugger/iPhone** thief with these things on?

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Clip clop clip clop…

Haven’t we been bound too long?

*”The ideal length for a bound foot was seven and a half centimetres” – that’s Wiki-talk for less than three inches, girlfriend.

**First the felonious MUNI riders came for the iPhone owners and I didn’t speak out, for I had the Android…

Boy, This Traffic Collision Accordion Protecting a Market Street Trolley Platform Has Seen a Lot of Action

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

Or, really, I guess it actually protects you, the nut behind the steering wheel, more than it protects the trolley platform.

How many accidents has this thing witnessed?

What would it say, if it could talk? Would it say, “Oooooouch,” or, “I need a vacation,” or, “Please put me back together the right way?”

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Probably.

How to Roll Through North Beach in Your GM B-Body on a Saturday Night

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

The first thing you need to do with your General Motors [1908-2009, R.I.P]  B-Platform [1959-1991, R.I.P.] is a lift (some people use stacks of hockey pucks) so you can fit your twenty-something inch wheels beneath. And then you need to tint the windows in violation of the California Vehicle Code. Now, you’re done.

Get your friends inside and you’re ready for a slow roll down Columbus. (Menancing stares through half-closed windows optional.) Thusly:

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Of course, you can just go out and buy a B-Body if you don’t have one.

Choose wisely: