Posts Tagged ‘real’

OMG, It’s Another Book About the Mayor! “THE REAL ED LEE – THE UNTOLD, UNTOLD STORY” – 55 Pages of Hilarity

Sunday, October 30th, 2011

Well, here it is, something that just popped up on my porch/lobby this AM (and on Jerold Chinn’s too), complete with smiley-faced Post-It Note.

(If you’re not up to speed on the battling books of the 2011 race for Mayor of San Francisco, check out this bit from Heather Knight.)

I totally LOL’ed when I first saw this:

Click to expand

Which do you prefer?

Table of Contents for The Real Ed Lee Story, complete with Willie & Roses’s “No Longer Secret” Make-a-Mayor Recipe* (which riffs on this):

“I can’t say no to Willie and Rose”

That comes from this zinger by Board of Supervisors President David Chiu:

So Ed, about a week or two before you told the world that you wanted to — that you were considering — running for mayor, you told me that you had looked at yourself in the mirror, you didn’t have the fire in the belly, you didn’t want to run, but that you were having trouble saying ‘no’ to Willie Brown and Rose Pak,”

“I’m on a boat!”

The back cover of the original and the parody:

Complete with the necessary disclosures:

Of course this new campaign book was composed as a reply to The Ed Lee Story – An Unexpected Mayor, which was written by:

“…a mid-level hack funded by a shadowy pop-up group backed by experienced political sharks.”

On It Goes…

Excerpts from “The Real Ed Lee: The Untold, Untold Story.”

  • From “Willie & Rose’s ‘No Longer Secret’ Make-a-Mayor Recipe”: “VERY IMPORTANT: Mix all contents together in back room; if any part of the mixture is exposed to sunshine, it will be ruined. … Pour mixture into an empty vessel — any loyal bureaucrat will do.”
  • From “Section 1: The Making of a Mayor,” about the deal to make Ed Lee interim mayor: “[Then-Supervisor] Chris Daly said: ‘This is the biggest fumble in the history of San Francisco politics.’ You know your city is in trouble when Chris Daly is the only politician who got it right.”
  • “Fun facts” about Lee: “Ed Lee didn’t just bring America’s Cup to San Francisco, he also brought Jim Harbaugh to the 49ers. The real reason Twitter isn’t leaving is because Ed Lee won an arm-wrestling match against Twitter co-founder, Biz Stone. … These may not actually be true, but Ed Lee is quite skilled at taking credit for the work of others. …”

 

*Willie & Rose’s “No Longer Secret” Make-A-Mayor Recipe

How do you make a Mayor? Here’s the “no longer secret” recipe created by Chinatown powerbroker Rose Pak and former Mayor Willie L. Brown.

Serves: 4-8 years

Ingredients

1 “dormant” political machine

980 lbs. of powerbrokers (preferably a mix of former mayors, unregistered lobbyists, corporate hacks and Chinatown mavens)

1 Board of Supervisors President with mayoral ambitions

1 exiting mayor looking to payback his friends for years of service

1 “Promise”

2 parts flip-flopped Bevan Dufty

49 yards of wool (to cover people’s eyes)

Optional

The will of the people (“once in a while, if budget allows”)

Directions

1. VERY IMPORTANT: Mix all contents together in a back room; if any part of the mixture is exposed to sunshine it will be ruined.

2. Pour mixture into an empty vessel – any loyal bureaucrat will do. He doesn’t even need to be in the country.

3. Make a promise…and then break it. Very gently!

4. Voilá! A Mayor is made.

5. Be sure to keep your mayor on a tight leash. Do not allow them to have any open conversations with press or voters without being heavily scripted.

6. We recommend immediately hiring a posse of high-paid consultants and bodyguards to accompany your mayor at all times.

For true make-a-mayor aficionados, Rose & Willie swear that the second term is packed full of even bigger sweetheart deals!

Recalling the Time Mayor Gavin Newsom Tried to Pass a Counterfeit $100 Bill

Saturday, August 1st, 2009

Well, let’s take local lawyer Rodel Rodis at his word when he recalls a conversation with then-Supervisor Gavin Newsom, excerpted below. And if you want, read Rodel’s whole woe-is-me tale of getting arrested by the SFPD for trying to pass a “counterfeit” $100 bill at a Walgreens. (Turned out that the lawyer’s money was little old school, but 100% genuine.)

Does this $100 bill necessarily look counterfeit to you? It shouldn’t. It’s just a little dated, that’s all – there’s no need to call the cops.

Bill copy

Anyway, as the litigation over this 2003 detention (non-arrest? arrest?) continues to infinity and beyond, here’s a new part of the story. When Mr. Rodis started going around saying how this bad treatment from Walgreens and the SFPD wouldn’t have been inflicted upon lesser-of -color notables such as Gavin Newsom or Tony Hall, he got a response:

“Newsom then related an incident that occurred when he was still in the private sector when he brought the daily earnings of his restaurant (Balboa Café) to the bank to deposit. He said the teller began counting the money and applied a counterfeit detector pen to a $100 bill which she found suspicious. The result confirmed that it was fake– unlike in my case where the pen applied by both the Walgreens cashier and manager showed that my $100 bill was genuine. ‘So what happened next?’ I asked Newsom. ‘Well, she returned the $100 bill to me and told me to be careful next time,’ he answered.”

Now I can pretty much guarantee you that if bank teller spots you trying to (innocently, of course) deposit a fake $100 bill, he or she won’t just hand it back to you! Typically, somebody’ll be on the horn, with a quickness, with the Secret Service – the bankers will immediately confiscate that funny money from you, and thereby ensure that you will be the one “eating the loss,” in industry parlance.

(I mean really, what are you supposed to do with a $100 bill you know is fake? Use it to buy a pack of gum, ending up with 99 real dollars? Deposit it  in an ATM and pray that the people who count the money happen to be on the MDMA that night? That’s a dilly of a pickle to be in.)

Keep in mind this is Rodel’s version of the story, and of course he  might look at the world a little differently than you. For example, this is behavior he describes as “refusing to sign a speeding ticket.” (Well, yes, that great-grandmother pointlessly refused to sign her 60 in a 45 speeding ticket, but that wasn’t exactly why she got (unnecessarily) Tasered, one might think.)

So There You Have It.