Posts Tagged ‘Tesla Motors’

Sorry Elon Musk, But Your Low-Slung Tesla “Model S” Sedan is NOT “Perfect For Winter”

Monday, November 25th, 2013

Check this out:

“MODEL S IS PERFECT FOR WINTER Model S is an all-electric, rear wheel drive sedan designed to perform exceptionally in winter conditions. In fact, all-wheel-drive is not necessary. The state of the art liquid thermal control system dynamically heats and cools powertrain components to maintain range and power.

Cold Weather Performance – Additionally, the Tesla mobile app allows drivers to remotely heat the passenger cabin and battery from the comfort of their home or office. Watch Tesla’s VP of Vehicle Engineering Chris Porritt explain why Model S redefines what’s possible in cold weather. Book a test drive now to experience the supreme handling capabilities of Model S for yourself.”

I don’t know where to start. Uh, if you don’t have four wheel drive, you’re not going to get a pass from chain control during snowy days on the way to Tahoe, right? And are 21 inch wheels on a “sports car” “perfect” for snow? And ground clearance?

If Tesla is trying to say that the Model S is acceptable for winter, well that would be fine.

But Tesla is saying that its electric Porsche Panamera with 21 inch wheels and RWD is “perfect.”

I cry foul.

Attention Elon Musk: A Quarter-Inch of Aluminum Is NOT “Armor Plate” – Learning from Juris “Dr. Bigtime” Shibayama’s Tesla Fire

Monday, November 11th, 2013

Yet another Tesla Model S fire brings us yet another missive from Elon Musk – it’ll come out later today, apparently.

All right, so it turns out that the quarter-inch of “armor plate” that protects the battery cells from road debris is made out of aluminum!?

WTF?

If that’s the case, why doesn’t Tesla recall its Model S cars to install a quarter-inch of, IDK, steel? Or perhaps three-quarters of an inch of aluminum? No room? Then how about Kevlar or something?

Oh, because it would cost money and it would be embarrassing and these quick cars would then become slightly less quick?

Oh, OK.

All right, well it’s YOUR company that the American taxpayers have been subsidising, so I guess it’s your call, Elon.

Now, why did Dr. Juris Shibayama buy a Tesla Model S?

Was it to satisfy a desperate need for attention?

You Make The Call:

So that’s why his recent Tesla Model S fire was a good thing for him.

Read his testimonial here:

“November 9, 2013
From a Model S owner in Tennessee
By Juris Shibayama, MD

I was driving home from work on the interstate in the right lane at approximately 70 miles per hour, following a truck. In the middle of the lane, there was a rusty three-pronged trailer hitch that was sticking up with the ball up in the air. The truck in front of me cleared the object. I did not have enough time to swerve to avoid the hitch, and it went below my car. I felt a firm “thud” as the hitch struck the bottom of the car, and it felt as though it even lifted the car up in the air. My assistant later found a gouge in the tarmac where the item scraped into the road. Somewhat shaken, I continued to drive.

About 30-45 seconds later, there was a warning on the dashboard display saying, “Car needs service. Car may not restart.” I continued to drive, hoping to get home. About one minute later, the message on the dashboard display read, “Please pull over safely. Car is shutting down.” I was able to fully control the car the entire time and safely pulled off the left shoulder on the side of the road. I got out of the car, and started to get all my belongings out. About 5-10 seconds after getting out of the car, smoke started to come from the front underbody of the car. I walked away from the vehicle to a distance of about 100 yards. More smoke started to come out of the bottom of the car, and about two minutes after I walked away, the front of the car caught on fire.

I am thankful to God that I was totally uninjured in any way from this impact. Had I not been in a Tesla, that object could have punched through the floor and caused me serious harm. From the time of impact of the object until the time the car caught fire was about five minutes. During this time, the car warned me that it was damaged and instructed me to pull over. I never felt as though I was in any imminent danger. While driving after I hit the object until I pulled over, the car performed perfectly, and it was a totally controlled situation. There was never a point at which I was anywhere even close to any flames.

The firemen arrived promptly and applied water to the flames. They were about to pry open the doors, so I pressed my key button and the handles presented and everything worked even though the front of the car was on fire. No flames ever reached the cabin, and nothing inside was damaged. I was even able to get my papers and pens out of the glove compartment.

This experience does not in any way make me think that the Tesla Model S is an unsafe car. I would buy another one in a heartbeat.

Juris Shibayama, MD”

All right. It sure would be nice hearing from independent experts on the topic of the recent Tesla Model S fires as opposed to hearing yet again from Elon Musk and his fanboys.

Just saying.

Now I’ll tell you, Boeing looked foolish earlier this year on the topic of the 787 fire incidents.

How will Elon Musk look a year from now?

We’ll see.

In any event, it was a mistake to use a quarter inch of aluminum and market it as “armor plate.”

IMO.

Here’s another opinion:
Tesla Model S Fires Might Be a Big Deal—But Not For the Reasons Some Are Saying

Here’s One Problem, Just One Problem, With Tesla Motors’ Buyback Scheme: High Mercedes S Class Depreciation

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

Here’s the news of the day:

“Working with some of the largest and most respected banks in the country, Tesla has been able to create a financing product that combines the surety and comfort of ownership with all the advantages of a traditional lease.

US Bank and Wells Fargo will provide 10% down financing assuming a good credit rating, and the down payment is covered or more than covered by US Federal and state tax credits ranging from $7,500 to $15,000. New Jersey, Washington and DC also have no sales tax for electric vehicles. These advantages are not available when leasing.

After 36 months, you have the right, but not the obligation to sell your Model S to Tesla for the same residual value percentage as the iconic Mercedes S Class, one of the finest premium sedans in the world, made by Daimler (also a Tesla partner and investor).

Not only is Tesla guaranteeing that resale value, but Tesla CEO Elon Musk is personally standing behind that guarantee to give customers absolute peace of mind about the value of the asset they are purchasing.

We also encourage you to think about Model S ownership in terms of true out of pocket cost. When considering the savings from using electricity instead of gasoline, depreciation benefits, and other factors, buyers will save hundreds of dollars per month compared to owning a gasoline powered car.”

The problem with this, or rather, one of the problems with this, is that Mercedes Benz S-Class cars have horrible resale value.

Just horrible!

Check it.

So if Elon Musk really wants to put his money where his mouth is, why doesn’t he use cars more desirable and practical for the residual value percentage guarantee?

How about the Nissan Versa or Honda Fit?

Just askin’.

Once Again, Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk Proves Himself Wrong Over the Shortcomings of the Expensive Model S

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Let’s check in on troubled Tesla Motors’ troubled CEO, Elon Musk.

Here he is – please try to guess which photo here has Photoshopped footwear. It’s not easy:

You see, ’cause one’s a joke and the other, well, the other’s kind of a joke as well.

Oh well.

First of all, let’s examine the appropriate number of kids to have with a woman a’fore trading her in on a new model.

In Elon’s case, that number is five.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Five kids.

Then bam, you move on.

If you’re Elon.

And what does your first wife say to all this? She’s all, well at least Elon’s new gal isn’t a blonde.*

Cause you see, that would fit the profile of a stereotypical messianic middle-aged asshole CEO-type to a T.

Which rhymes with T (sort of).

Which stands for Trouble, Tesla, and The Times.

So let’s see, from the mouth of the horse, or jack-ass, your pick:

“NYTimes article about Tesla range in cold is fake. Vehicle logs tell true story that he didn’t actually charge to max & took a long detour.”

Well, as discussed here, that bit in the NYT (instigated by Tesla to show off its branded power stations) had issues.

But was it fake?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

So you were wrong, Elon.

And oh what’s that, you have the logs from the car, but not GPS data or recordings from Tesla Customer Service?

Isn’t that kind of funny?

And Elon, how much range should your six-figure car lose after parking it overnight when it’s cold?

What’s the appropriate amount?

And Elon, isn’t your Model S sort of a ridiculous vehicle being big on the outside (longer AND wider than an eight-passenger Toyota Land Cruiser) and small on the inside?

And Elon, didn’t you promise you’d deliver 5000 vehicles last year?

And are going to meet that goal? I don’t think so.

You see, a normal person would feel bad about breaking a promise.

Do you feel bad sometimes, you know, when all those things you’ve said would happen don’t actually happen, you know, actually and IRL?

I don’t know.

And oh, there’s this:

“Detail showing car driving around in circles in front of the Milford Supercharger trying to get Model S to stop.”

Would you like to correct that one, Elon?

Didn’t think so.

Hey Elon, if you’re so rich and confident, why don’t you use your own money to fund Tesla?

Hey Elon, if you’re so rich and confident, why don’t you guarantee the loan guarantee you worked out with the feds?

You know, so the taxpayers’ half a billion dollars wouldn’t be at risk.

So here’s your lesson, Elon:

Elon Musk and How Not to Handle a PR Crisis.

See how that works?

So this is wrong:

Yesterday, The New York Times reversed its opinion on the review of our Model S…”

Why don’t you correct yourself, Elon?

Oh, here’s somebody who’s not wedded to the idea of Tesla being the greatest corporation evah:

John Markoff ‏@markoff Excuse me Elon, but Margaret Sullivan does not speak for the NYT. Distortion to say the NYT “reversed.”

Oh Elon, will you ever win?

(And please pay back our money soon, m’kay? ‘Cause we’re still out for Solyndra ‘n stuff.)

*At least you didn’t shoot her through the bathroom door four times, srsly.

Who Killed the Electric Car (Again)? Tesla CEO Elon Musk Did – “Stalled Out on Tesla’s Electric Highway”

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

Vaunted Tesla Motors’ vaunted Model S sedan getting towed at the end of a New York Times test drive:

Click to expand

Oh Elon Musk, will you ever win?

Oh Elon Musk, your jackassery actually hurts the industry you’re trying to promote.

Oh Tesla CEO and media criticElon Musk, don’t you yourself burn far, far more petroleum than the average American? Like you get a loan from the taxpayers and a good chunk of that money goes to paying your aviation fuel costs, to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars?

Isn’t it ironic?

Dont’cha think?

Read the news and turn the pages/

Watch them play a different game/

And [soon enough] no one knows your name

 

 

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk is Bigger Than Jesus AND the Beatles, Per the San Francisco Business Times, Apparently

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

The San Francisco Business Times has seen fit to update us about Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk in just four pithy grafs. Hurray!

By the numbers:

1. Can you guess which organ from his body is especially large? (Give it a try – it’s fun!)

2. Electric motors* have “crazy torque” because of Sainted Elon Musk the Divine Creator, the “Chief Product Architect” of Life and not because of the Laws of the Universe or Intelligent Design or the Blessings of Gaia the Earth Goddess or anything like that.

3. NASA sux, compared to Elon, anyway. ‘Nough said.

4. E.M. must have ”some cold fusion battery** powering him that makes him also way smarter” than All of God’s Chil’ren. (Including you, Gentle Reader.)

So, this is how the San Francisco Business Times sees Elon…

…and this is how I*** see him. (Can you imagine – his ex-wife gave birth to just five(!) of his kids while he went out and did all the work. And his ex-partner / co-Founder at Tesla Motors, well that guy let Elon the Man-Child down as well. Oh, we are not worthy, Elon, nobody else but you is Worthy, Elon!)

Take your pick.

Regardless, All Hail Elon Musk!

*Now, you can call an engine a motor but not the other way ’round. Truth.In common usage, an engine burns or otherwise consumes fuel, and is differentiated from an electric machine (i.e., electric motor) that derives power without changing the composition of matter.”

**Uuuuuuuuh… no comment.

***Actually, ’tis I what owns a pair of pink Crocs, size XXL, $14.97 from Costco back in the day. (Think this is called “projection” or something…)

All Electric Cars Suck (Except the Nissan Leaf): #1 – Tesla Motors Sues the BBC for No Apparent Reason

Monday, April 4th, 2011

Here’s Tesla Motors’ account of its recent pathetic-cry-for-help / lawsuit filing against the BBC.

And here’s some reaction from the media.

And here’s the defense from, more or less, the sainted BBC.

So Tesla, let’s agree that that Top Gear TV show has, at the very least, a flair for the dramatic, a bit of cheesiness built into its DNA. So, why then, did you give them cars to test?

Oh well.

Here are the first two grafs from Tesla’s corporate do-boy:

“Tesla Roadsters in over thirty countries have driven more than ten million real-world miles. [SO WHAT, WHO CARES?] That’s 500,000 gallons of fuel that didn’t burn [HEY TESLA, HOW MUCH JET FUEL DID YOU BUY FOR YOUR CEO OVER THE YEARS? 10,000 GALLONS? 100,000 GALLONS? JUST ASKING, BRO] and over 5.3 million pounds of averted carbon dioxide emissions. [WHY NOT JUST NOT DRIVE INSTEAD, TESLA? AND HOW MANY GALLONS WERE BURNED TO MAKE THE ELECTRICITY TO POWER THE CARS?] The credit goes to approximately 1,500 Roadster owners around the world who drive their electric vehicles in all conditions; [THEY'RE LIKE HEROES, OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?] they’re an enthusiastic group who often talk and blog about their experiences. ["HERE'S A SNAPSHOT OF MY BRAND-NEW SIX-FIGURE TOY" - IT'S JUST LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN."]

“Tesla is committed to building the best cars in the world. [HAHAHAHAHAHA! AFTER EIGHT LONG YEARS, YOU'RE "COMMITTED," HUH?] And in doing so, [IN DOING WHAT, ACTUALLY? THESE TWO SENTENCES DON'T BELONG TOGETHER - YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE BUILDING THE BEST CARS IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, OR DO YOU?] catalyzing change in a very traditional industry [OBJECTION, FACTS NOT IN EVIDENCE] by convincing drivers that EVs can match and surpass automobiles run by combustion. [BUT YOUR EV'S ARE MOSTLY RUN BY COMBUSTION] That’s not an easy task. [O RLY? TELL US ABOUT THE MISMANAGED TWO-SPEED TRANSMISSION FIASCO, RICARDO, WHAT ABOUT THAT?] But the Roadster has changed a lot of minds. [THE ROADSTER IS A FAT LITTLE PIGGY WHAT COSTS WAAAAAAY TOO MUCH MONEY. TESLA MOTORS IS A FAT LITTLE PIGGY WHAT SUCKS ON GOVERNMENT TEAT WAAAAAY TOO MUCH]“

Anyway, check the video, below, if you want.

Why yes, I’m extreeeeeeemely comfortable in this very small, very heavy, very expensive rolling toy. Why do you ask?

And leave us not forget: All hail the Mighty Tesla Driver: “Look at me! Look at me! Ooops.” That was on Geary in the Western A, I believe.

The video you’re not supposed to see. I’d never seen it before, personally. It makes the Tesla Roadster look like the overweight, overpriced, electrified POS that it is.

And here’s part of the defense from the BBC’s  cheesy Top Gear show.

Enjoy:

1. We never said that the Tesla’s true range is only 55 miles, as opposed to their own claim of 211, or that it had actually ran out of charge. In the film our actual words were: “We calculated that on our track it would run out after 55 miles”. The first point here is that the track is where we do our tests of sports cars and supercars, as has happened ever since Top Gear existed. This is where cars are driven fast and hard, and since Tesla calls its roadster “The Supercar. Redefined.” it seemed pretty logical to us that the right test was a track test. The second point is that the figure of 55 miles came not from our heads, but from Tesla’s boffins in California. They looked at the data from that car and calculated that, driven hard on our track, it would have a range of 55 miles.

2. We never said that the Tesla was completely immobilized as a result of the motor overheating. We said the car had “reduced power”. This was true.

3. Tesla claims we were lying when we said the brakes were “broken”. They now say that all that had happened was that the fuse to the vacuum pump had failed, which meant that the brake just had to be pushed down much harder than usual. Well – to my mind, if the brakes are broken, then they’re broken, and if this happened to your car, you’d take it to the garage to get it fixed. Odd it seems so trivial to Tesla now, because on the day of filming they insisted on repairing the fuse before we could carry on driving the car.

The above points will be argued over in the near future by brainy people wearing wigs, but in a layman’s nutshell, this is where we stand on the matter. Before I finish though, I must clear up one important issue: scripting. It’s alleged by Tesla that on the day of filming one of their employees caught sight of a script that had been written, before the car had even been driven, already containing the verdict that in the “real world” the Tesla doesn’t work. This, they say, proves our guilt, because we’d condemned the car in advance. May I just say in reply:

a) The truth is, Top Gear had already driven the car prior to filming, to enable us to form a view on it in advance

b) Our primary reasoning behind the verdict had nothing to do with how the Tesla performed; our conclusion was based mainly on the fact that it costs three times more than the petrol sports car upon which it’s based. It takes a long time to recharge, so you can’t use it as easily for the carefree motoring journeys that are a prerequisite of sports car driving. You can actually reach that conclusion without driving the car. As it happens, when it did come to the subjective area of how the car drove on the track, we were full of praise for its performance and handling.

c) Just so you understand there’s nothing devious going on, you need to know how this filming business works. When you film a car review, the reviewer is only the tip of the iceberg. Behind the lens is a film crew, and only a day’s worth of light to shoot the eight minute film. This means we have to prepare in advance a treatment – a rough draft of a script so that the director and film crew can get to work right away, knowing what shots they will need to capture. It will contain the facts about a car, and what we think of its looks and so on, but how well the car actually drives is added on the day. If we’ve driven it ahead of filming, as we do with most cars, we will also have an idea how it feels to drive. But, and this is crucial, as we uncover fresh information about a car whilst filming it, it is entirely normal for the treatment to be modified as the day unfolds. Jeremy is always tweaking the scripts to reflect what his driving experience has actually been on the day.

There you go. I’ve said my bit, and now we’ll hopefully shut up and prepare for our day in court.

PS: As this is going through the courts right now, we’re afraid we’ve had to turn off comments on this one, but we wanted to let you all know how we see it.

Andy Wilman is the Executive Producer of Top Gear”

Pathetic Tesla Motors and Its Sad Attempt to Build a “7-Passenger Electric BMW” in CA Without Enough Money

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Here’s what’s impossible about pathetic Tesla Motors‘ attempt to “build a BMW” in California, something that BMW itself would find challenging given the claimed time-frame and the budget and the location and the…. You see, BMW already knows how to build BMWs, right? Tesla doesn’t.

Oh God, Tesla Doesn’t.

Oh, and BTW, Tesla’s “BMW” will run on electricity (with concomitant heavier-than-a-gasoline-engine batteries) and it will be big, so big that if BMW built it, it would end up costing you north of $100K all said and done. Oh, and already-resource-rich BMW would spend more on development as well. A lot more.

But here’s the Party Line:

“The Model S is designed as an alternative to cars such as the BMW 5 Series, the Audi A6, and the Mercedes-Benz E-Class, with an anticipated base price of US$57,400. Tesla plans to sell the car worldwide and will introduce regional pricing closer to the beginning of deliveries in 2012.”

So leave us review. That gigantic ego-trip known as Tesla Motors, famous for breaking promises and disappointing people around the globe, is going to out-BMW BMW and Tesla’s going to do it better faster cheaper right here in high-cost California.

You want to know what a $45K electric car looks (or will look) like? Try this POS on for size. Tesla is planning on charging just 20%-something more than Coda. Will it be 20%-something more car? Will it be an “electric BMW?”

Only Time Will Tell.  

(Hey, you know what the people at Tesla are actually good at? Writing, editing, curating Wikipedia entries. Oh well.)

There’s an Electric Motorcycle Company in the Mission District and It’s Called Mission Motors? News to Me

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Now, I can’t tell you all about the three categories of electric car companies in (or purported to be in, or coming soon! to) the greater Bay Area because what I’d tell you about even the best group could be actionable, you know, defamation-wise.*

But electric motorcycles, that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame.

Meet Mission Motors. And best of all, they’re hiring! (If your job title includes the words electrical and or engineer, check it out.)

And it looks just the way you’d think:

Anyway, all the deets of MM’s latest exploits in racing, after the jump

*And some of these people are sue-happy, boy-howdy. For example, the “Founders” (five people, two people, one person, a dozen – who knows?) of one local electric car outfit hired lawyers to argue over, among other things, who went to or got accepted at Stanfoo. Yes, that’s a good reason to clog up our courts, that’s some good legal action there, boys.

(more…)

California Officiates a Second Shotgun Wedding for Toyota – First with GM, Now with Tesla

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Sometimes, even shotgun weddings have to end. Like the GM NUMMI deal that got hammered out during the era of “Voluntary” Export Restraints back in the 1980′s. Well, that money-losing fiasco ended last year (along with GM) so we’re on to a new marrriage. This time, Toyota is hooking up with Tesla Motors.

Why? Well, one reason must have something to do with having the California congressional delegation on Toyota’s side the next time people start acting up. Plus, Toyota is good at building cars and Telsa is good at not building cars, so Tesla needs all the help it can get.  

Tesla and Toyota just got married in California. But how long will the honeymoon last?

via Mr. Wright

(Is there nothing PhotoShop can’t do? Oh, wait a minute, yes there’s something!)

Obviously Tesla, which has broken many promises over the years, didn’t have a prayer of keeping all its new promises without a whole bunch of help. This will be interesting…

Vaya con Gaia, Toyota.